a glorious enlightenment

the abandonment of my heart

2005-01-12T20:38:00.000-08:00

cold. homeless. hungry. anything will help. God bless.

at least that's what the message scribbled on a tattered piece of cardboard read. the letters were uneven and hastily drawn. she had a bruise under her right eye and wore clothes that certainly were not becoming. her hair was wet. she looked cold. and we sat there in the car where warmth and comfort reigned. she smiled at us. she smiled at us? what on earth did this woman have to smile about? and yet it was a smile with tears and a look of desperation in her eyes that cried out, "help me! please! anything will help!"

and we continued to sit there, inwardly pleading with the traffic signal to allow us passage while averting our eyes from her bleak figure. we made excuses to ourselves, secretly hoping that no one in the car would develop a spirit of compassion. we were comfortable. we had places to be. we had things to do. we had money to spend... on ourselves. i had just spent twenty-nine and change on two radiohead cds.

and as she waited patiently in the icy rain for assistance that certainly would never come, we chatted on about insignificance, fervently praying that she would not notice the Jesus fish stuck to the rear of my friend's car. for then we would be obligated, remembering that faith without works is dead. we would have to scramble about, helping this poor woman, so that we could perform CPR on what we called faith, rescuing it from insincerity. certainly no one could question the genuine nature of our faith.

despair. hopelessness. pain. need. anything will help.

that's what i read in her eyes. that's what i felt in my heart until i noticed its absence.

rainy days

2004-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

here in indianapolis its raining... again. its alright though, because i really do like these rainy days. i don't really know why. of course, sunny skies and white puffy clouds can certainly be appealing, but these dreary days carry with them a melancholy mood that for some strange reason i have an affinity for.

now, let me differentiate between "rainy days" and "cloudy days." cloudy days are the bane of my existence. i don't really understand the purpose of them with exception to the fact that they make other sorts of days (rainy days, sunny days, etc.) even more enjoyable because they are not, in fact, cloudy days. these are the days in which the sky is a monotonous sheet of pale gray with no detail whatsoever and usually indicate some terrible tradegy has happened such as the death of your beloved dog rex or the continual reminder from everything that you see that you don't have a girlfriend.

rainy days. these are the days that can be glorious in their own strange way. the clouds in the sky do not lack definition, but are alive with deeply contrasting purples and blues... a light drizzle might surround you or perhaps the clouds look as if they're about to burst at any moment and drown you in the rage of water that would surely rush forth. regardless, these days drip with beauty and the craftsmanship of God in the world around us can be obviously noted. of course, we know that his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world.

you then see the sun victorious over the thick defense of clouds that had previously surrounded the world. light bursts forth blindingly and leaves you awestruck at its magnificence. and this truly is an amazing sight. you see the beams of the golden sun triumphantly illuminate the world of dark beauty that only moments before had left you speechless at its depth. the contrast of contrasts is to see this resplendent light amidst the deep purples and blues aforementioned. can words even begin to describe the image that i am trying to convey? most likely not. at least not my words.

however, "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." (Ps. 19:1)

its raining again in indianapolis. i was moved.

a story of conversion

2004-12-01T22:30:00.000-08:00

its amazing how things look differently now. what used to be bleak and unbecoming is now gloriously sweet and reassuring. its amazing the change that God can work in the heart of a man. you search for truth only to discover that only God can give you truth. you try to rid yourself of sin only to discover that your own efforts were in vain.

it simply came to the breaking point. i could no longer bear the burden of my sin. no longer able to stand under the weight of my depravity, i came crashing to my knees screaming, "wretched man that i am! who will deliver me from this body of death?"

really, i knew the answer to that question. many do. but it was the burning realization of my deficiency that now danced, or rather, paraded in all its flamboyance, across my thoughts. i could not escape from them. memories of past disgraces flooded my heart and plunged me into despair. fears of future failures shattered the hope of simply carrying on in peace. for too long i had looked to myself as the source of belief and as a willing agent, who would finally overcome triumphantly the sinful desires within me. no, it was not my ignorance of who could save me, but from what i needed to be saved.

it was indeed the Lord Christ Jesus who brought my inadequacy to light and saved me from this trepidation. it was He who began to work the fear out of my heart. it was He who began to enlighten the eyes of my heart to realize that it was not my own efforts that would free me from my burden, but only the sovereign grace that He alone can give to men. no longer did i have to look to myself as the fixer of all wrongs, but Christ Himself interceded on my behalf! no longer did i have to fear that the sinful desires within me would not be beaten back!

and i repeat it. it is gloriously sweet to experience the work of God in your life. coming to a knowledge of my ungodliness was an act of mercy on the part of God, for it is the ungodly whom Christ died for. but it is certainly not for my sake for which the Lord performed this mighty act of redemption, but for the sake of his holy name. God will move in the hearts of those whom he has chosen, not for the joy of the chosen, but for the glory that will abound to his name in the work of redemption. the joy of the chosen is certainly part of God's sovereign plan, but is only secondary to the more immeasurably rich purposes of God to show Himself to creation as Him who is sovereign over that creation and of infinite worth.

things look different to me now. God has ripped the notion that i have any semblance of control from my hands and forced me to cast myself upon Him. long have i trusted that my salvation was through Christ. it was not until recently that He showed me that I had nothing to do with it.

sola gratia.